Rey knew that Ben wasn't taking advantage of her, either. Fuck's sake, she'd had to make all the first moves, otherwise they never would have moved anywhere past awkward glances and blink-and-you-miss-it innuendo, and ...
Anyone who thought that Ben Solo was the pursuer in this relationship was dead wrong. Anyone who thought that he even had it in him to coerce an innocent intern into his bed (her bed, she had never even seen his apartment) was so ridiculously wrong that it wasn't even funny.
We can't predict the future he started, but wasn't he doing just that by calling this a 'break' and making the assumption that in the next few months they would find themselves back together again like no time had passed? That was ridiculous, too, wishful thinking to it's core.
Time would change them. That's what time did. If they found each other like this again ... it would never be the same. And he had to know that. She hated this, wished that (as Ben had already said himself) they had met under different circumstances. For once in her life, Rey had found something good and now it was slipping through her fingers.
And - she loved her internship. She loved working for his mother and feeling so accepted and appreciated in ways she had rarely felt before. But most of all, there was Ben, and being with him was what she loved most of all.
She scoffed at the insistence, and before she thought better of it, the words slipped past her lips, bitter and sharp-edged.
"A handful of blowjobs in my bedroom doesn't exactly count as a real relationship, Ben."
Immediately, she regretted the words, but once they were out, she could not take them back. But she knew that it was much more than that. The first time that he'd gently pushed into her and made her see stars, she had felt a connection that she had never experienced before. And it wasn't just sexual, either. There were all the times he spent in her bed with his feet hanging off the edge because he was too damn big for it but it didn't matter because they both felt safe all wrapped up together.
It was playing video games and ordering out and talking about anything and everything and it was missing him as soon as he left and it was feeling such delight every time he texted or called, feeling like she ...
Meant something to him.
And losing him hurt more than Rey thought she could bear.
Ben knew his we can't predict the future comment followed by this is a break was contradictory. But he still felt justified in saying both. Who knew what the future would bring? They could still end up together, after all. And, if he was being honest with himself, no one’s ever made him feel quite the same way that Rey did. For once, maybe Ben thought leaving things up to chance would work out in their favor. Because right now, it was just bad timing.
Okay, her comment hurt.
Ben knew it wasn’t just a handful of blowjobs in her bedroom. Every second he spent with her whether at work or her apartment had been some of the happiest. It was the most he had ever laughed or smiled or joked around. Even his mom had noticed his more cheery demeanor in meetings and dinners at the house.
Rey had no right to say that.
His face fell. “Right, well, if that’s what you think, I should probably go, then.” Why was a sob threatening to release itself from his chest? Why didn’t he think he could say anything else without choking up?
He turned to go.
Fuck this shit and fuck her. And fuck him for thinking he could let someone in just this once without it backfiring.
The silence in the wake of her words was all Rey needed to know that she had fucked up royally. She could apologize for what she had said, but what good would it really do, anyway? For a fraction of a second, she had wanted to hurt Ben as much as he had hurt her, and she had succeeded.
But it didn't feel as satisfying as she might have wanted it to. It felt terrible. What if she had just ruined the best thing in her life because she didn't think before she spoke?
Maybe it was better that way. Maybe Ben would leave and eventually forget all about her and find someone who could be everything that he needed, someone that he didn't have to be ashamed or fearful to be seen with. And it most likely (now, anyway), wasn't going to be her.
Rey had had no right to say what she had, and the guilt she felt in having said it at all was going to eat at her forever.
Her heart ached as she watched Ben turn away from her, and for as much as she wanted to reach out for him, catch his hand, pull him back, Rey knew that she had to let him go.
God, did Ben want her to reach out and stop him from leaving. Or, at the very least, he wanted to wake up from this horrible dream to find that everything was still okay between them.
But that was never going to happen.
Why would he want to be with someone who’d say something like that to him, anyway? He was worthy of love. And he deserved love. And Rey...what she said was not something you’d say to someone you even marginally liked.
He had said some shitty things to her tonight, but he never said anything just to make her feel shitty about herself.
His next therapy session was going to be a heavy one, he could already tell.
“For what it’s worth,” he said as he stopped with his hand on the door knob. “I wanted this to work out so bad. It was just bad timing, Rey.” Ben opened the door and stepped out, feeling like he was closer to being out of her orbit than in it.
Why would Rey even deserve the forgiveness that she wanted so desperately for what she had said? Who actively wanted to hurt another person like she had lashed out at Ben? She was awful and she deserved to feel it, to spend the rest of her life Kknowing that she was what had ruined whatever they had had growing between them.
And she already knew that she would spend the rest of her life trying to atone for what she had done - even if Ben never knew it, even if they never spoke another word to each other outside of work-related issues, and that -
That was if she even had the nerve to keep her internship at Solo at all.
She only lifted her gaze to watch him go, but knew that would hurt, too, committing the moment to memory - the moment her heart shattered to watch him.
It didn't matter now, but she wanted him to know, anyway -
"I - I'm sorry, Ben", she finally managed to choke out, shaking her head, struggling to keep from pleading with him to stay so that they could work it out somehow ... something ... anything other than end it like this. "I wanted that, too."
Rey spoke and, of course, he had to stop walking away for just a moment. Why not twist the knife a little deeper, right? And that was exactly what it felt like - like a knife to the gut that he couldn’t stop.
Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door.
Rey spoke and, of course, he had to stop walking away for just a moment. Why not twist the knife a little deeper, right? And that was exactly what it felt like - like a knife to the gut that he couldn’t stop.
Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door. He let the door shut. He was out of her orbit.
Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
That ... was not Rey's intention whatsoever. But it was safe to say that she wasn't making anything any better by not just leaving well enough alone. When was she going to learn? And when were those lessons going to stop feeling like they were ripping her heart out?
She felt so immature and stupid, so cruel when Ben hadn't deserved the vitriol. And she could apologize all she wanted, but her apologies were never going to make it any better. The words were out there, and they had done the intended damage.
Rey exhaled sharply as Ben twisted his own knife just a little deeper, too. But maybe she deserved the new pain radiating from what was left of her heart, now sure without a shadow of a doubt that it had been her gut reaction, too quick, consequences not considered that had done the deed and broken whatever tenuous string was still connecting them.
But ... whatever. Like it didn't even matter. Like it had never mattered to begin with. Like she was nothing and was worth nothing, like ...
"It didn't feel like it at the time", she murmured, but he was already gone, the door was already closing behind him, and Rey didn't even bother locking it behind him, just slid down until, with a heavy thump, she was sitting on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and sobbing against them.
All she had ever wanted was to feel as wanted as Ben had made her feel, and the moment that she had it, had him, she couldn't handle the enormity of it and she had ruined it before it could end up ruining her first.
She wanted to get up and run after him, beg for forgiveness and another chance, but --
Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
And now - what was she supposed to do? Go back to work and pretend like nothing had ever happened, like everything was fine, like it wasn't going to obliterate her even more to see Ben every day, to work closely with him?
It wasn't fair.
But she had made her bed and now she needed to lie in it, no matter how uncomfortable or painful.
Maybe she hadn't deserved him in the first place if she could so easily get to this place and hurt him rather than consider just ... waiting and seeing what the next few months were going to bring.
I could have loved him, she thought miserably, her throat raw from the intensity of her sobs, her vision blurry with hot tears. Maybe I already do.
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no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 12:30 am (UTC)Anyone who thought that Ben Solo was the pursuer in this relationship was dead wrong. Anyone who thought that he even had it in him to coerce an innocent intern into his bed (her bed, she had never even seen his apartment) was so ridiculously wrong that it wasn't even funny.
We can't predict the future he started, but wasn't he doing just that by calling this a 'break' and making the assumption that in the next few months they would find themselves back together again like no time had passed? That was ridiculous, too, wishful thinking to it's core.
Time would change them. That's what time did. If they found each other like this again ... it would never be the same. And he had to know that. She hated this, wished that (as Ben had already said himself) they had met under different circumstances. For once in her life, Rey had found something good and now it was slipping through her fingers.
And - she loved her internship. She loved working for his mother and feeling so accepted and appreciated in ways she had rarely felt before. But most of all, there was Ben, and being with him was what she loved most of all.
She scoffed at the insistence, and before she thought better of it, the words slipped past her lips, bitter and sharp-edged.
"A handful of blowjobs in my bedroom doesn't exactly count as a real relationship, Ben."
Immediately, she regretted the words, but once they were out, she could not take them back. But she knew that it was much more than that. The first time that he'd gently pushed into her and made her see stars, she had felt a connection that she had never experienced before. And it wasn't just sexual, either. There were all the times he spent in her bed with his feet hanging off the edge because he was too damn big for it but it didn't matter because they both felt safe all wrapped up together.
It was playing video games and ordering out and talking about anything and everything and it was missing him as soon as he left and it was feeling such delight every time he texted or called, feeling like she ...
Meant something to him.
And losing him hurt more than Rey thought she could bear.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 12:56 am (UTC)Okay, her comment hurt.
Ben knew it wasn’t just a handful of blowjobs in her bedroom. Every second he spent with her whether at work or her apartment had been some of the happiest. It was the most he had ever laughed or smiled or joked around. Even his mom had noticed his more cheery demeanor in meetings and dinners at the house.
Rey had no right to say that.
His face fell. “Right, well, if that’s what you think, I should probably go, then.” Why was a sob threatening to release itself from his chest? Why didn’t he think he could say anything else without choking up?
He turned to go.
Fuck this shit and fuck her. And fuck him for thinking he could let someone in just this once without it backfiring.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 02:42 am (UTC)But it didn't feel as satisfying as she might have wanted it to. It felt terrible. What if she had just ruined the best thing in her life because she didn't think before she spoke?
Maybe it was better that way. Maybe Ben would leave and eventually forget all about her and find someone who could be everything that he needed, someone that he didn't have to be ashamed or fearful to be seen with. And it most likely (now, anyway), wasn't going to be her.
Rey had had no right to say what she had, and the guilt she felt in having said it at all was going to eat at her forever.
Her heart ached as she watched Ben turn away from her, and for as much as she wanted to reach out for him, catch his hand, pull him back, Rey knew that she had to let him go.
It was for the best.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 02:55 am (UTC)But that was never going to happen.
Why would he want to be with someone who’d say something like that to him, anyway? He was worthy of love. And he deserved love. And Rey...what she said was not something you’d say to someone you even marginally liked.
He had said some shitty things to her tonight, but he never said anything just to make her feel shitty about herself.
His next therapy session was going to be a heavy one, he could already tell.
“For what it’s worth,” he said as he stopped with his hand on the door knob. “I wanted this to work out so bad. It was just bad timing, Rey.” Ben opened the door and stepped out, feeling like he was closer to being out of her orbit than in it.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 03:12 am (UTC)And she already knew that she would spend the rest of her life trying to atone for what she had done - even if Ben never knew it, even if they never spoke another word to each other outside of work-related issues, and that -
That was if she even had the nerve to keep her internship at Solo at all.
She only lifted her gaze to watch him go, but knew that would hurt, too, committing the moment to memory - the moment her heart shattered to watch him.
It didn't matter now, but she wanted him to know, anyway -
"I - I'm sorry, Ben", she finally managed to choke out, shaking her head, struggling to keep from pleading with him to stay so that they could work it out somehow ... something ... anything other than end it like this. "I wanted that, too."
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 03:27 am (UTC)Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:20 am (UTC)Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door.
He let the door shut. He was out of her orbit.
Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:27 am (UTC)She felt so immature and stupid, so cruel when Ben hadn't deserved the vitriol. And she could apologize all she wanted, but her apologies were never going to make it any better. The words were out there, and they had done the intended damage.
Rey exhaled sharply as Ben twisted his own knife just a little deeper, too. But maybe she deserved the new pain radiating from what was left of her heart, now sure without a shadow of a doubt that it had been her gut reaction, too quick, consequences not considered that had done the deed and broken whatever tenuous string was still connecting them.
But ... whatever. Like it didn't even matter. Like it had never mattered to begin with. Like she was nothing and was worth nothing, like ...
"It didn't feel like it at the time", she murmured, but he was already gone, the door was already closing behind him, and Rey didn't even bother locking it behind him, just slid down until, with a heavy thump, she was sitting on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and sobbing against them.
All she had ever wanted was to feel as wanted as Ben had made her feel, and the moment that she had it, had him, she couldn't handle the enormity of it and she had ruined it before it could end up ruining her first.
She wanted to get up and run after him, beg for forgiveness and another chance, but --
It was too late.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:35 am (UTC)Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:42 am (UTC)It wasn't fair.
But she had made her bed and now she needed to lie in it, no matter how uncomfortable or painful.
Maybe she hadn't deserved him in the first place if she could so easily get to this place and hurt him rather than consider just ... waiting and seeing what the next few months were going to bring.
I could have loved him, she thought miserably, her throat raw from the intensity of her sobs, her vision blurry with hot tears. Maybe I already do.
And she had ruined everything.