Me, neither! But if you do, I'll be sure to remind you. I like being able to see your smile - it's really pretty.
I know. I like her, too. She's so strong, I can only hope to be like her someday.
You're a hero, too, you know.
[At some point, maybe, if this is a line of conversation they'll keep up beyond this - especially if it's done via video, where they're facing each other.]
She's lucky that he's not able to see her right now, what, with the way her eyes widen and her cheeks flush red, and she makes another noise - something surprised and embarrassed and interested all at once.]
You're quite handsome, Poe. I think it would be nice to touch you.
[A moment later, after she kicks herself mentally for saying such a stupid thing ... ]
[She's young, she's not without... interesting. Of course she's noticed.]<\small>
You're an amazing pilot. And the things you've done for the Resistance! In my eyes, you're a hero. And not just mine, either.
[Rey isn't confused - she knows what she likes, and she knows what she wants. It's just difficult to gauge how he might be feeling since they're not face to face.
Which makes saying such things at least marginally easier, even though her blush hasn't faded yet at all.]
I'm sure. If that's some you might be interested in, too.
[There it is. After another prolonger silence, one of the many phrases she's feared hearing the most - if this had been under different circumstances. And it hurts, and it makes her angry and she wants to yell and demand that he tell her if this has been nothing more than a game to him the whole entire time because she liked him, really and truly liked him, and had wanted to believe that there was a chance ...
It's not fair. It isn't fair. How is this fair?]
Don't placate me - [She replies, her voice brittle and bitter] And I don't need any explanations. What different circumstances could there ever have been, anyway? It's not like we share the same social circles. If not for this internship, I never would have met you to begin with.
[She's not sure how she'll ever be able to walk into the building again. Wonders if she'll ever be able to do her job the same way again when she knows damn well that a great portion of it sees her dealing with Ben on a daily basis.]
Ben blames himself for all this. If he just hadn’t agreed to have drinks with her. If he had just went home when everyone else did. They wouldn’t be here right now and he wouldn’t have to hurt her like this.]
Rey, you’re an intern. What do you want me to say? That we should keep seeing each other? What if someone finds out? We’d both get fired. And you’re just a college student. If I got fired because of this, it would follow me everywhere I go.
[Fuck. He can start to feel his own anger boiling inside him.
[How is she supposed to take this? Graciously and meekly? She's supposed to accept that this has meant nothing at all to Ben and it's not affecting him to just ... throw her away like some piece of trash?
Of course she's angry!
But it isn't all directed toward him. She's not so naive as to not realize that a workplace romance - or ... whatever this is (was?) couldn't have dire consequences they did indeed get caught.
But that thought soon disappears as Ben speaks again, clearly frustrated with her or the situation or both and hs annoyance only ramps hers up in return. Especially when he infers - purposely or not - that she is nothing compared to him.
And maybe that's true, but it makes her livid to hear. And no, she's not proud of the way her temper gets the best of her sometimes, but sometimes there's just no letting things go.]
Just because your name is on the building doesn't mean that I'm less important than you! It just means that you've had more opportunities. God, I thought that you and I ... I thought it was ... I thought that we were ...
[Ben sits up and then ends up sitting on the edge of his bed, trying to ground himself to the cold wooden floor beneath his feet. He’s doing his breathing exercise again - counting the seconds as he inhales through his nose and then counting the seconds as he exhales through his mouth.
Of course people would talk shit about him behind his back. He’s not surprised by that. The only issue he has is that Rey believes those things that are said about him now.
He wants to break his phone in his first or throw it against a wall or something to keep him from saying more stupid shit.]
That’s not what I meant. All I meant is that you have so much ahead of you. You can do anything.
[Rey doesn't know why she's still listening, why she can't bring herself to just end the call and collapse into bed and cry herself into a stupor. How could she have been so stupid to have ever thought that this could have been anything more than what it's ultimately ended up to be?
A mistake. A disaster. A learning experience that she has no intention of ever repeating.
And it hurts worse than she ever could have imagined, knowing that they'll never have those quiet moments again, to see the sparkle in his dark eyes when he's amused, to hear the laughter in his voice even when he's trying to be serious, to kiss and be kissed and roll around in bed and -
Rey might have called Ben a dick, might have repeated insults she's heard others level his way, but she doesn't believe them.
You don't know him.
But I do.]
That's not what you said - [She finally replies, her voice hoarse and strained] you pretty much said that I'm nothing, Ben. And the worst part is that I think that somewhere, deep down, you probably believe that.
[Even though there is no one around to see, Rey covers her eyes with a shaky hand, fights with everything she is to keep Ben from knowing that she's tearing up, that she's as troubled and torn up as she is.
Why give him the satisfaction? She can act like none of this means anything to her, she can act like she doesn't care and actually feels nothing for him, and maybe with time, she can convince herself that it's true.
But right now, everything aches from her head to her heart. Even so, Rey never even considers, not for even an instant, getting back at Ben by using their private relationship against him when it comes to his professional life. She's hurt and angry and sad, but she's not that cruel.
She listens, though, as he tries to articulate his thoughts and feelings, and even though she wants so desperately to believe him, eventually, she still scoffs softly on the other end of the line.
You're nothing.
You're amazing.
You're too good for me.
You have so much less to lose then I do.
It's hard to decide what he really means, if he really means anything he's saying at all.]
But you still don't want me. You - you'd be happier if you'd never met me at all.
[He’s just saying words and sentences that contradict everything else he’s saying. At least that’s what it sounds like to him.
None of what he’s saying is making sense. He’s just digging himself into a deeper hole.
But in that moment, he realizes he wants to see her. He wants to see her and have her make him feel better because all he feels like right now is shit.
This is why he avoids relationships. They’re messy and they never work out for him because he just self-sabotages everything.]
I want you.
[His voice sounds weak, like he’s suddenly too tired to fight anymore.]
[It's certainly a lot to process - and it's a bit contradictory, and Rey doesn't know what to believe. All she knows for sure is that nothing feels the same when Ben isn't near.
And she wants so much to plead for him to come over, and if that isn't possible, to make the promise to her that he would, that when the morning came, they aren't going to have to pretend like they don't know each other intimately, that they mean absolutely nothing to each other.
But she can't find the words. Just sniffles miserably as he finishes by stating that he does want her, that he is happy with her, leaving her more confused than ever.]
Look. Just...just ignore everything I said before that.
I’m just - [He rubs his forehead with his hand, trying to find the right words to explain why he put her through hell tonight. Why did she have to get drunk? Why did she have to text him at one in the morning?]
I’m just...scared.
I’m scared we’re going to get caught and that one or both of us will be fired. Or worse. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s worse than being fired.
I’m scared of what I’m feeling for you because it’s...it’s a lot and I don’t know how to process what I’m feeling.
[Ben breathes in and out again slowly, counting the seconds as he does each.]
...I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I thought if I said it and end all this for the time being, then...then there would be no conflict. We can just keep working like nothing ever happened.
[He’s silent for another long moment, debating with him on whether he should ask. Because he wants to ask and he wants her to say yes and he wants to see her. What time is it anyway? He checks the time.]
Can I see you? I know it’s late and we both have things to do in the morning, but I want to see you.
[Rey doesn't understand. And even though she gives Ben time in which to pull his thoughts together and to speak them (she could be impetuous and impatient sometimes, but in this, she could fight to be patient), she still blows out a frustrated breath, confused and overwhelmed all at once.
But she gets being scared, and if Ben thinks that she isn't plagued by the exact same worries and fears, he is dead wrong. Maybe this isn't the most opportune time to speak about them, but it's not like Rey can take any of it back.
It's here and now or it might very well be never. So it's 1AM. So they should be sleeping. So there's work in the morning. She isn't going to hang up now.
She's scared of the repercussions they will face if they are caught. She's scared that if they do put an end to their relationship - or whatever this is or is shaping up to be - they'll never find a way back to each other. She's fucking terrified of feelings that she's never felt with or for anyone before.
So when Ben admits to feeling the exact same way, Rey can't help her soft, startled exhale of the breath she's been holding.
She isn't expecting an apology, and even though Ben can't see her, she shuts her eyes and squeezes tight, making an admirable attempt to keep hot tears at bay. Feelings are hard, especially ones that can't be controlled, no matter how desperately she tries.
Silence. And then he asks if he can see her, and her brain screams no but her heart cries yes and although she doesn't answer for a small handful of heartbeats, when she finally does, her voice rough and uncertain, its to the affirmative.]
Yeah. Of course you can.
[Maybe it'll give them a little clarity, no matter which way the conversation goes.]
[He’s not doing a good job at any of this, he realizes. And now he’s confused because she says he can come over after all the stupid shit he’s just said to her. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why does he sabotage things like this? Good things, things that make him happy. Maybe it’s because in the back of his mind, he knows he’s not worthy of Rey’s affections and he’s not worthy of his nice, high-paying job, and he’s not worthy of being happy.
When he was younger, this fear, the effects of being alone, and this chip on his shoulder he thought he had, had manifested into anger issues. He’d yell at his parents, punch holes into walls, break things, throw things. He hadn’t been an easy person to be around. He didn’t want anyone to get close.
But his parents somehow convinced him to see a therapist and things got better.
But there’s always that thought - that he doesn’t deserve any of this and so he should destroy it before he can feel the pain of its loss.
He knows he’s subjecting Rey to all this - all his issues - and she doesn't deserve it.
But he wants to be selfish just this once.]
I’ll see you in fifteen then.
[He hangs up and gets dressed and leaves his apartment so he can go to hers and when he arrives, he texts her that he’s outside.]
{Well, neither is Rey, having so little experience with intimacy and relationships (don't say love, do not even think it, that is not what this is because it can't be, because it doesn't make any sense, because it's going to devastate her if Ben doesn't feel the same
Itsnotitsnotitisnot) and it's late and her buzz is behind her and she's so tired, and deep down, she knows it would have been best to politely deny Ben's request so that they can hang up and get some sleep and maybe be able to pretend that none of this has even happened when the morning comes and they inevitably cross paths at Solo, maybe they'll be able to face each other again without making it glaringly obvious to those around them that something is going on.
Rey has always had a problem with darting into situations without thinking the consequences all the way through. Usually, she manages to find a way to ger herself out of trouble, but she isn't so convinced that she'll make it out of this without a few new scars along the way.
She murmurs an agreement and the call is disconnected. Rey takes a long moment to try to settle her nerves, and then gets up to pick up a little, although in the grand scheme of things, having a clean apartment means nothing for this visit. She doesn't shower, but at least she changes into a new, clean sweatshirt and leggings, splashes some cold water on her face, and pulls her hair up.
By the time Ben arrives, Rey won't look a mess.
Internally, however ...
The message arrives and her stomach flips, He's here. And although she doesn't message back, Rey does buzz Ben up, her heart beating shallowly as she waits for the knock at her door alerting her to his immediate presence.]
Ben didn’t have much experience either. The few times he tried backfired. He was always too…something. Too much. Too quiet. Too distant.
But he had been really trying with Rey, because he -
No. He didn’t - he couldn’t -
This was a mess, wasn’t it? But how the hell did he think this was all going to turn out? That it would work out? They couldn’t go out for dinner or drinks alone together in case someone sees them. They had to lie when people asked how their night or weekend was or if they were seeing someone. They had to keep this all a secret. Was that really the best foundation to build whatever this was on top of?
He combed his fingers through his hair and then pushed his glasses up his nose.
When she buzzed him in, he walked inside and then up to her door. He knocked.
Work tomorrow was going to be hell with the amount of sleep he’ll be getting.]
Ben wasn't perfect. But neither was Rey. She didn't trust easily and had more abandonment issues than she could shake a spoon at. She didn't know what a healthy relationship was even supposed to look like, so how the hell did she ever think that she could navigate any of this with Ben?
Because their relationship wasn't normal. Nobody should have to hide away from the world at large just to spend time with each other. Nobody should have to lie about how they spent their free time or play it off when they were asked if they were seeing someone.
This was never going to have the strongest foundation, was it? This was always going to be shaky instead of steady and eventually ... it really was going to come toppling down.
Her heart jumped into her throat when the knock came, and it took her a moment to cross to the door and open it slowly, her brows knitted together as she gazed up at Ben as though she didn't know (for the first time) what to think or say or do.
“Hi, I’m sorry,” he said the moment she opened the door and said his name. “I know it’s late, but I - “ Wanted to make sure he hadn’t fucked this all up between them? Wanted to see her one last time before they ended all this?
His heart felt ill.
He didn’t know what to do. He felt out of control. He felt hopeless and hopeful. What was the right thing to do?
No. He knew what the right thing to do was.
“Is your roommate home? Can I come in?” Even in the dim light, he could see clearly how beautiful she was. Hopefully she wasn’t too drunk.
Rey didn't smile. And as she stared up at Ben and tried to discern exactly what it was that he was feeling, she found that even stepping back and allowing him entrance was harder than such basic manners should ever prove to be.
But she managed. As sick and scared as she felt, emotionally speaking, Rey was still going to allow Ben into her personal space, even though it now felt so ... uncertain.
What had he even come over for, anyway? To - to end this in person? Or ... to reassure the both of them that if they continued, it was gonna be fine?
The not knowing was killing her.
And her frown deepened all the more even as she opened the door wider and stepped back slowly, gesturing for Ben to come inside where they would have at least some semblance of privacy.
Why would she smile after everything he said on the phone tonight? He wouldn’t.
Ben walked inside and then turned around to face her. So they were alone. “I like it when you have your hair down,” he said aloud as he reached over but then he stopped himself before he could tug on the end of her ponytail.
She wasn’t his.
Ben let his arm drop back to his side before he stuffed both hands into his jean pockets. “I just wanted to apologize for what I said on the phone tonight,” he started. “I...I upset you and what I said was hurtful.” If she didn’t forgive him, well, he probably deserved it anyway.
But Ben still thought it was a good idea to wait to date once her internship was over. Except that would be months from now. Could he wait that long? What was his heart telling him?
A part of her wanted to give in to the relief she felt in simply seeing Ben Solo standing a bit awkwardly in her apartment, looking at her with that soft light in his eyes, like nothing out of the ordinary had even happened between them.
She held her breath as she watched him reach out … only to pull his hand back and keep it firmly by his side rather than actually risk making contact with her, swallowing hard as she resisted the urge to reach out and take his hand in her much smaller ones, hold on tight. "I know", she replied, her voice thick. "I like it when you play with it."
Rey stared at Ben and blinked slowly, once, twice. Had Ben really come all the way over just to apologize all over again? Or … was this the calm before the storm? The not knowing was the hardest part, the fear that he had changed his mind yet again and this was Ben coming to put an end, officially, to their relationship.
Their … workplace dalliance.
Whatever they actually were.
He wasn't hers.
If so, that was a particularly masochistic way of doing it! Ben had already apologized over the phone, so Rey wasn't sure why it was necessary for him to do it all over again and why would either one of them want to revisit the clusterfuck of that phone call? Why she hadn't just … gone to sleep instead of texting Ben, Rey would never know.
But here they were. And there was no taking back of what they'd said, only moving forward.
"I - I woke you up and blindsided you with kind of a lot, so. I'm sorry for that."
He didn’t respond to her comment about him playing with her hair nor did he respond to her apology. It was too late for any of that now, anyway. They said what they said and there was no taking it back.
“Rey, I...I still think it’s a good idea to put a hold on all of this,” he said. Might as well rip the bandage off, right? Get this over with? Say what they needed to say?
Ben didn’t want to end things between them, but he did think it was best if they both cooled off and just waited until their circumstances were better.
“I mean - who’s to say you wouldn’t get tired or bored of me in a month or two? I mean, you wouldn’t be the first.” He laughed and it sounded hollow.
“Listen, my mom really likes you and, I mean, you’re all she talks about when I come over for dinner...I just don’t want to jeopardize your future at Solo. If someone were to find out about us...I mean, if you get hired on after your internship, it’ll be slightly more acceptable...I think.” See. Not breaking things off, just...taking a break.
Oh. So this was indulging a little bit of masochistic tendencies.
Rey didn't want snarl and snap back Ben could tell her that he'd tired of her, that he'd gotten what he wanted from her - and what man wouldn't want a much younger woman showing them attention and affection and … - and now he wanted someone more … suitable.
But she didn't give him the satisfaction of her anger. And as much as she didn't want to let him see her tears, either, but her mouth trembled and those same tears threatened to fall, and she broke eye contact in order to duck her head and try desperately to keep a reign on her wildly fluctuation emotions.
Of course he didn't want her. Her own parents hadn't wanted her. Fuck, she was almost half-expecting to walk into the apartment someday only to find that Rose had moved out and headed for greener pastures.
She didn't see the need in arguing the point when Ben seemed pretty convinced about what he thought was best. But she shook her head and softly murmured - "I wouldn't, though. I wouldn't get tired of you."
She laughed bitterly at the assertion that if she got hired on, they would have an easier time of maintaining a relationship. Rey might not have had much experience in the corporate world, but she wasn't totally naïve to the way things usually went.
Ben knew he was in a position of power and that he had authority over Rey. But that did not mean he was using his position to take advantage of her. Did he seem like the kind of person who would do that?
This was why he only let himself associate with people at work, but didn’t actively try to be friends with anyone even if his mom told him he should let people in. But look what happened with Rey.
She tore her eyes away from him and he realized she was on the verge of tears. Fuck.
“We can’t predict the future,” he pointed out gently.
“Listen, Rey…” He took in a breath and counted down before slowly exhaling. A part of him wanted to be convinced not to end this - however small that part was. When he was with her, he felt...genuinely wanted, not just because he was Leia Organa’s son, not just because he had money and connections through his parents. Rey was already seen as impressive to his mom. Rey didn’t need him to put in any good words or anything like that.
He wondered, then, what people have told her about him. She called him a dick because that was what people at work thought he was.
“I...this is a break, not a break up,” he insisted once more.
Rey knew that Ben wasn't taking advantage of her, either. Fuck's sake, she'd had to make all the first moves, otherwise they never would have moved anywhere past awkward glances and blink-and-you-miss-it innuendo, and ...
Anyone who thought that Ben Solo was the pursuer in this relationship was dead wrong. Anyone who thought that he even had it in him to coerce an innocent intern into his bed (her bed, she had never even seen his apartment) was so ridiculously wrong that it wasn't even funny.
We can't predict the future he started, but wasn't he doing just that by calling this a 'break' and making the assumption that in the next few months they would find themselves back together again like no time had passed? That was ridiculous, too, wishful thinking to it's core.
Time would change them. That's what time did. If they found each other like this again ... it would never be the same. And he had to know that. She hated this, wished that (as Ben had already said himself) they had met under different circumstances. For once in her life, Rey had found something good and now it was slipping through her fingers.
And - she loved her internship. She loved working for his mother and feeling so accepted and appreciated in ways she had rarely felt before. But most of all, there was Ben, and being with him was what she loved most of all.
She scoffed at the insistence, and before she thought better of it, the words slipped past her lips, bitter and sharp-edged.
"A handful of blowjobs in my bedroom doesn't exactly count as a real relationship, Ben."
Immediately, she regretted the words, but once they were out, she could not take them back. But she knew that it was much more than that. The first time that he'd gently pushed into her and made her see stars, she had felt a connection that she had never experienced before. And it wasn't just sexual, either. There were all the times he spent in her bed with his feet hanging off the edge because he was too damn big for it but it didn't matter because they both felt safe all wrapped up together.
It was playing video games and ordering out and talking about anything and everything and it was missing him as soon as he left and it was feeling such delight every time he texted or called, feeling like she ...
Meant something to him.
And losing him hurt more than Rey thought she could bear.
Ben knew his we can't predict the future comment followed by this is a break was contradictory. But he still felt justified in saying both. Who knew what the future would bring? They could still end up together, after all. And, if he was being honest with himself, no one’s ever made him feel quite the same way that Rey did. For once, maybe Ben thought leaving things up to chance would work out in their favor. Because right now, it was just bad timing.
Okay, her comment hurt.
Ben knew it wasn’t just a handful of blowjobs in her bedroom. Every second he spent with her whether at work or her apartment had been some of the happiest. It was the most he had ever laughed or smiled or joked around. Even his mom had noticed his more cheery demeanor in meetings and dinners at the house.
Rey had no right to say that.
His face fell. “Right, well, if that’s what you think, I should probably go, then.” Why was a sob threatening to release itself from his chest? Why didn’t he think he could say anything else without choking up?
He turned to go.
Fuck this shit and fuck her. And fuck him for thinking he could let someone in just this once without it backfiring.
The silence in the wake of her words was all Rey needed to know that she had fucked up royally. She could apologize for what she had said, but what good would it really do, anyway? For a fraction of a second, she had wanted to hurt Ben as much as he had hurt her, and she had succeeded.
But it didn't feel as satisfying as she might have wanted it to. It felt terrible. What if she had just ruined the best thing in her life because she didn't think before she spoke?
Maybe it was better that way. Maybe Ben would leave and eventually forget all about her and find someone who could be everything that he needed, someone that he didn't have to be ashamed or fearful to be seen with. And it most likely (now, anyway), wasn't going to be her.
Rey had had no right to say what she had, and the guilt she felt in having said it at all was going to eat at her forever.
Her heart ached as she watched Ben turn away from her, and for as much as she wanted to reach out for him, catch his hand, pull him back, Rey knew that she had to let him go.
God, did Ben want her to reach out and stop him from leaving. Or, at the very least, he wanted to wake up from this horrible dream to find that everything was still okay between them.
But that was never going to happen.
Why would he want to be with someone who’d say something like that to him, anyway? He was worthy of love. And he deserved love. And Rey...what she said was not something you’d say to someone you even marginally liked.
He had said some shitty things to her tonight, but he never said anything just to make her feel shitty about herself.
His next therapy session was going to be a heavy one, he could already tell.
“For what it’s worth,” he said as he stopped with his hand on the door knob. “I wanted this to work out so bad. It was just bad timing, Rey.” Ben opened the door and stepped out, feeling like he was closer to being out of her orbit than in it.
Why would Rey even deserve the forgiveness that she wanted so desperately for what she had said? Who actively wanted to hurt another person like she had lashed out at Ben? She was awful and she deserved to feel it, to spend the rest of her life Kknowing that she was what had ruined whatever they had had growing between them.
And she already knew that she would spend the rest of her life trying to atone for what she had done - even if Ben never knew it, even if they never spoke another word to each other outside of work-related issues, and that -
That was if she even had the nerve to keep her internship at Solo at all.
She only lifted her gaze to watch him go, but knew that would hurt, too, committing the moment to memory - the moment her heart shattered to watch him.
It didn't matter now, but she wanted him to know, anyway -
"I - I'm sorry, Ben", she finally managed to choke out, shaking her head, struggling to keep from pleading with him to stay so that they could work it out somehow ... something ... anything other than end it like this. "I wanted that, too."
Rey spoke and, of course, he had to stop walking away for just a moment. Why not twist the knife a little deeper, right? And that was exactly what it felt like - like a knife to the gut that he couldn’t stop.
Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door.
Rey spoke and, of course, he had to stop walking away for just a moment. Why not twist the knife a little deeper, right? And that was exactly what it felt like - like a knife to the gut that he couldn’t stop.
Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door. He let the door shut. He was out of her orbit.
Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
That ... was not Rey's intention whatsoever. But it was safe to say that she wasn't making anything any better by not just leaving well enough alone. When was she going to learn? And when were those lessons going to stop feeling like they were ripping her heart out?
She felt so immature and stupid, so cruel when Ben hadn't deserved the vitriol. And she could apologize all she wanted, but her apologies were never going to make it any better. The words were out there, and they had done the intended damage.
Rey exhaled sharply as Ben twisted his own knife just a little deeper, too. But maybe she deserved the new pain radiating from what was left of her heart, now sure without a shadow of a doubt that it had been her gut reaction, too quick, consequences not considered that had done the deed and broken whatever tenuous string was still connecting them.
But ... whatever. Like it didn't even matter. Like it had never mattered to begin with. Like she was nothing and was worth nothing, like ...
"It didn't feel like it at the time", she murmured, but he was already gone, the door was already closing behind him, and Rey didn't even bother locking it behind him, just slid down until, with a heavy thump, she was sitting on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and sobbing against them.
All she had ever wanted was to feel as wanted as Ben had made her feel, and the moment that she had it, had him, she couldn't handle the enormity of it and she had ruined it before it could end up ruining her first.
She wanted to get up and run after him, beg for forgiveness and another chance, but --
Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
And now - what was she supposed to do? Go back to work and pretend like nothing had ever happened, like everything was fine, like it wasn't going to obliterate her even more to see Ben every day, to work closely with him?
It wasn't fair.
But she had made her bed and now she needed to lie in it, no matter how uncomfortable or painful.
Maybe she hadn't deserved him in the first place if she could so easily get to this place and hurt him rather than consider just ... waiting and seeing what the next few months were going to bring.
I could have loved him, she thought miserably, her throat raw from the intensity of her sobs, her vision blurry with hot tears. Maybe I already do.
[The sensation is so intense that it steals Rey's breath, makes her shiver, gives her a few short minutes of pause while she just ... luxuriates in it, knowing that she's, in part, the cause.]
I can. Is it like this all the time? Will you tell me what you're thinking about? I want to know.
No, not all the time. What you told me the other day has changed everything.
I'm imagining what you'd look like above me, with your thighs draped either side of my waist and your hands braced against my chest. I'm imagining what your cunt would feel like when I fill it again and again and again: tight and hot and wet. Is that what you wanted to know? Do you like knowing how you dominate my fantasies?
[Okay - that is entirely unfair. It's just a series of words on a screen, and yet as she reads it over again, slowly the second time around, they steal her breath away, make her heart beat a little faster, a little harder.
What is this? And why is she having such a visceral reaction?]
You would allow me to take what I wanted from you, then? I can imagine your hands at my hips, helping me move with you, set a pace that's pleasurable for us both.
I do like knowing that it's me that you fantasize about when you're alone. I want to know every dirty little thought you've ever had about me. I want to know what my name sounds like on your lips when you come all over yourself.
[And why is she even volunteering this … ]
You'd be the first, you know. To see me like that. To touch me. To …
I don't need perfection, but I think it could be fun to be able to communicate with them a little. Between the both of us, we should be able to educate them as to why they shouldn't steal your fish.
You've got a life to live, Ben! And there's plenty of time to figure out just what you want to do with it. I'm glad to help you figure it out - and grateful that you want to share it with me.
I would very much like to - and I'd like it if you felt comfortable enough to hug me in return. I want to show you how happy I'll be to see you again, but I also don't want to do anything that you don't want.
I'll keep my distance from the Caretakers. Maybe they'll tolerate me a little better that way.
Nothing to do with you, huh? I'll keep that in mind - and greet my port friends as warmly as I intend upon greeting you.
Yes. Maybe they'll listen to you in a way they don't to me. I think they like messing with me, to be honest. They have a sense of humor.
I wouldn't mind if they had a fish or two occasionally. I just need to eat, too. Maybe we could find a way to share - but then we'd be bombarded with them once word started spreading.
Thank you for the offer. I'm grateful to have a life to live, even if I'm not sure what to do with it yet. Life's a gift, you know. The most precious thing we have.
They'll like seeing you again, I'm sure. They're friendly, even if they're also fish thieves. It's hard to be angry at them.
We'll just have to see about that, won't we? I don't doubt that at all … but I have zero faith that they'll pay me any more mind than they do you. They are obstinate creatures and they do what they want, whether what they want to do is what you want them to do, too.
Hence the fish situation. And honestly, I don't think they would be very willing to compromise with you, Ben. You've got fish. They want fish. They're going to do whatever they can to get that fish.
You might need to try to learn how to farm a little.
Plenty of time to figure it out. And I'll be more than grateful to have the chance to help. And - to share it with you. More than I know how to say. Maybe you already know, though. Maybe you can feel it.
I look forward to seeing you all. But you, especially.
We'll have to see. For all I know, you'll get them to listen. I've tried most everything else. But they have a way of growing on you. I admit to being fond of them, even if they are eating my food. There's enough fish for all of us.
They do like people, though, and don't seem to care where they're from. They let me pat them.
Farming's a good idea. I've been thinking of making a garden here on the island. It would add a certain something to the atmosphere, I think. And I could use a hobby here.
{What an unbelievable ass. But despite whatever annoyance she might feel about how round and round this is going (which, c'mon, she needs to accept part of the blame for that, too), she's still touched that Ben hasn't just told her that she's ridiculous (she is), that he's given her so many hints and chances, and lbr here, is goading her into acting rather than talking.
It's … sweetly antagonistic, if there is such a thing. It may be weird, but it's theirs.
Ben mentions that he'll be in his bunk and it takes every ounce of willpower in her body to keep from replying something equally as sarcastic. Because she knows that it must grate on his nerves to be so distrusted and to feel trapped within the confines of his new quarters. She's done her best to convince those in charge - some of which are her friends - that Ben isn't a danger to them, but so far, the only concession they've made is not throwing him in a makeshift brig to pay for the things he'd done as Kylo.
She's doing her best to convince them that they can trust Ben, but it's slow going.
Anyway, that's not the most pressing issue at hand. Rey takes a moment to close her eyes, close her eyes, and take a few deep breaths to center herself. And once she feels calm and confident enough, she leaves her quarters and quickly making her way to Ben's, close enough nearby that it doesn't take more than a minute at best.
One more deep breath, and then she reaches out to knock at the door, announcing her presence.
No. Because how I experience things - food included - is not for anyone else. It's for me. And I'm allowed to enjoy what I enjoy without feeling shame for it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(aprettyflyboy)
Date: 2016-09-17 10:50 pm (UTC)Me, neither! But if you do, I'll be sure to remind you. I like being able to see your smile - it's really pretty.
I know. I like her, too. She's so strong, I can only hope to be like her someday.
You're a hero, too, you know.
[At some point, maybe, if this is a line of conversation they'll keep up beyond this - especially if it's done via video, where they're facing each other.]
She's lucky that he's not able to see her right now, what, with the way her eyes widen and her cheeks flush red, and she makes another noise - something surprised and embarrassed and interested all at once.]
You're quite handsome, Poe. I think it would be nice to touch you.
[A moment later, after she kicks herself mentally for saying such a stupid thing ... ]
That was weird, I'm sorry.
Re: (aprettyflyboy)
Date: 2016-09-18 04:17 pm (UTC)I think you already are.
I'm a pilot and a soldier. There's a lot of us, I'm not more special than any other. Besides I'm blind to the Force.
[Poe is not sure what he's doing anymore or how they got to this point but he's known for making decision on the fly, so...]
Uhm..no, it's fine. It's just...are you sure?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-18 05:53 pm (UTC)[She's young, she's not without... interesting. Of course she's noticed.]<\small>
You're an amazing pilot. And the things you've done for the Resistance! In my eyes, you're a hero. And not just mine, either.
[Rey isn't confused - she knows what she likes, and she knows what she wants. It's just difficult to gauge how he might be feeling since they're not face to face.
Which makes saying such things at least marginally easier, even though her blush hasn't faded yet at all.]
I'm sure. If that's some you might be interested in, too.
(for ben)
Date: 2020-04-18 04:22 am (UTC)[There it is. After another prolonger silence, one of the many phrases she's feared hearing the most - if this had been under different circumstances. And it hurts, and it makes her angry and she wants to yell and demand that he tell her if this has been nothing more than a game to him the whole entire time because she liked him, really and truly liked him, and had wanted to believe that there was a chance ...
It's not fair. It isn't fair. How is this fair?]
Don't placate me - [She replies, her voice brittle and bitter] And I don't need any explanations. What different circumstances could there ever have been, anyway? It's not like we share the same social circles. If not for this internship, I never would have met you to begin with.
[She's not sure how she'll ever be able to walk into the building again. Wonders if she'll ever be able to do her job the same way again when she knows damn well that a great portion of it sees her dealing with Ben on a daily basis.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 04:42 am (UTC)Ben blames himself for all this. If he just hadn’t agreed to have drinks with her. If he had just went home when everyone else did. They wouldn’t be here right now and he wouldn’t have to hurt her like this.]
Rey, you’re an intern. What do you want me to say? That we should keep seeing each other? What if someone finds out? We’d both get fired. And you’re just a college student. If I got fired because of this, it would follow me everywhere I go.
[Fuck. He can start to feel his own anger boiling inside him.
Don’t see red. Don’t see red. Don’t see red - ]
I have a lot more to lose than you do.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 05:30 am (UTC)Of course she's angry!
But it isn't all directed toward him. She's not so naive as to not realize that a workplace romance - or ... whatever this is (was?) couldn't have dire consequences they did indeed get caught.
But that thought soon disappears as Ben speaks again, clearly frustrated with her or the situation or both and hs annoyance only ramps hers up in return. Especially when he infers - purposely or not - that she is nothing compared to him.
And maybe that's true, but it makes her livid to hear. And no, she's not proud of the way her temper gets the best of her sometimes, but sometimes there's just no letting things go.]
Just because your name is on the building doesn't mean that I'm less important than you! It just means that you've had more opportunities. God, I thought that you and I ... I thought it was ... I thought that we were ...
They were right.
You are a fucking dick.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 05:40 am (UTC)Of course people would talk shit about him behind his back. He’s not surprised by that. The only issue he has is that Rey believes those things that are said about him now.
He wants to break his phone in his first or throw it against a wall or something to keep him from saying more stupid shit.]
That’s not what I meant. All I meant is that you have so much ahead of you. You can do anything.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 05:50 am (UTC)A mistake. A disaster. A learning experience that she has no intention of ever repeating.
And it hurts worse than she ever could have imagined, knowing that they'll never have those quiet moments again, to see the sparkle in his dark eyes when he's amused, to hear the laughter in his voice even when he's trying to be serious, to kiss and be kissed and roll around in bed and -
Rey might have called Ben a dick, might have repeated insults she's heard others level his way, but she doesn't believe them.
You don't know him.
But I do.]
That's not what you said - [She finally replies, her voice hoarse and strained] you pretty much said that I'm nothing, Ben. And the worst part is that I think that somewhere, deep down, you probably believe that.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 06:03 am (UTC)He closes his eyes and wishes he hadn’t replied to her text in the first place. If he hadn’t, they wouldn’t be here right now. They’d still be okay.
But it’s too late. He fucked up. There’s no way to repair this. God, he just hopes she doesn’t use all this against him.]
Rey, I...
[He hangs his head down, eyes staring at the wood floor in the dark, phone pressing against his ear.]
I haven’t been with anyone in a very long time in the same way that Ive been with you. I - no wait -
[He groans as he tries to put into words what he’s trying to say.]
You are amazing. And you’re too good for me.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 06:31 am (UTC)Why give him the satisfaction? She can act like none of this means anything to her, she can act like she doesn't care and actually feels nothing for him, and maybe with time, she can convince herself that it's true.
But right now, everything aches from her head to her heart. Even so, Rey never even considers, not for even an instant, getting back at Ben by using their private relationship against him when it comes to his professional life. She's hurt and angry and sad, but she's not that cruel.
She listens, though, as he tries to articulate his thoughts and feelings, and even though she wants so desperately to believe him, eventually, she still scoffs softly on the other end of the line.
You're nothing.
You're amazing.
You're too good for me.
You have so much less to lose then I do.
It's hard to decide what he really means, if he really means anything he's saying at all.]
But you still don't want me. You - you'd be happier if you'd never met me at all.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 06:45 am (UTC)None of what he’s saying is making sense. He’s just digging himself into a deeper hole.
But in that moment, he realizes he wants to see her. He wants to see her and have her make him feel better because all he feels like right now is shit.
This is why he avoids relationships. They’re messy and they never work out for him because he just self-sabotages everything.]
I want you.
[His voice sounds weak, like he’s suddenly too tired to fight anymore.]
I’m so happy when I’m with you.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 06:58 am (UTC)And she wants so much to plead for him to come over, and if that isn't possible, to make the promise to her that he would, that when the morning came, they aren't going to have to pretend like they don't know each other intimately, that they mean absolutely nothing to each other.
But she can't find the words. Just sniffles miserably as he finishes by stating that he does want her, that he is happy with her, leaving her more confused than ever.]
Me, too.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-18 11:41 am (UTC)I’m just - [He rubs his forehead with his hand, trying to find the right words to explain why he put her through hell tonight. Why did she have to get drunk? Why did she have to text him at one in the morning?]
I’m just...scared.
I’m scared we’re going to get caught and that one or both of us will be fired. Or worse. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s worse than being fired.
I’m scared of what I’m feeling for you because it’s...it’s a lot and I don’t know how to process what I’m feeling.
[Ben breathes in and out again slowly, counting the seconds as he does each.]
...I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I thought if I said it and end all this for the time being, then...then there would be no conflict. We can just keep working like nothing ever happened.
[He’s silent for another long moment, debating with him on whether he should ask. Because he wants to ask and he wants her to say yes and he wants to see her. What time is it anyway? He checks the time.]
Can I see you? I know it’s late and we both have things to do in the morning, but I want to see you.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-19 07:43 am (UTC)But she gets being scared, and if Ben thinks that she isn't plagued by the exact same worries and fears, he is dead wrong. Maybe this isn't the most opportune time to speak about them, but it's not like Rey can take any of it back.
It's here and now or it might very well be never. So it's 1AM. So they should be sleeping. So there's work in the morning. She isn't going to hang up now.
She's scared of the repercussions they will face if they are caught. She's scared that if they do put an end to their relationship - or whatever this is or is shaping up to be - they'll never find a way back to each other. She's fucking terrified of feelings that she's never felt with or for anyone before.
So when Ben admits to feeling the exact same way, Rey can't help her soft, startled exhale of the breath she's been holding.
She isn't expecting an apology, and even though Ben can't see her, she shuts her eyes and squeezes tight, making an admirable attempt to keep hot tears at bay. Feelings are hard, especially ones that can't be controlled, no matter how desperately she tries.
Silence. And then he asks if he can see her, and her brain screams no but her heart cries yes and although she doesn't answer for a small handful of heartbeats, when she finally does, her voice rough and uncertain, its to the affirmative.]
Yeah. Of course you can.
[Maybe it'll give them a little clarity, no matter which way the conversation goes.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-19 06:52 pm (UTC)When he was younger, this fear, the effects of being alone, and this chip on his shoulder he thought he had, had manifested into anger issues. He’d yell at his parents, punch holes into walls, break things, throw things. He hadn’t been an easy person to be around. He didn’t want anyone to get close.
But his parents somehow convinced him to see a therapist and things got better.
But there’s always that thought - that he doesn’t deserve any of this and so he should destroy it before he can feel the pain of its loss.
He knows he’s subjecting Rey to all this - all his issues - and she doesn't deserve it.
But he wants to be selfish just this once.]
I’ll see you in fifteen then.
[He hangs up and gets dressed and leaves his apartment so he can go to hers and when he arrives, he texts her that he’s outside.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 04:27 am (UTC)Itsnotitsnotitisnot) and it's late and her buzz is behind her and she's so tired, and deep down, she knows it would have been best to politely deny Ben's request so that they can hang up and get some sleep and maybe be able to pretend that none of this has even happened when the morning comes and they inevitably cross paths at Solo, maybe they'll be able to face each other again without making it glaringly obvious to those around them that something is going on.
Rey has always had a problem with darting into situations without thinking the consequences all the way through. Usually, she manages to find a way to ger herself out of trouble, but she isn't so convinced that she'll make it out of this without a few new scars along the way.
She murmurs an agreement and the call is disconnected. Rey takes a long moment to try to settle her nerves, and then gets up to pick up a little, although in the grand scheme of things, having a clean apartment means nothing for this visit. She doesn't shower, but at least she changes into a new, clean sweatshirt and leggings, splashes some cold water on her face, and pulls her hair up.
By the time Ben arrives, Rey won't look a mess.
Internally, however ...
The message arrives and her stomach flips, He's here. And although she doesn't message back, Rey does buzz Ben up, her heart beating shallowly as she waits for the knock at her door alerting her to his immediate presence.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 04:50 am (UTC)But he had been really trying with Rey, because he -
No. He didn’t - he couldn’t -
This was a mess, wasn’t it? But how the hell did he think this was all going to turn out? That it would work out? They couldn’t go out for dinner or drinks alone together in case someone sees them. They had to lie when people asked how their night or weekend was or if they were seeing someone. They had to keep this all a secret. Was that really the best foundation to build whatever this was on top of?
He combed his fingers through his hair and then pushed his glasses up his nose.
When she buzzed him in, he walked inside and then up to her door. He knocked.
Work tomorrow was going to be hell with the amount of sleep he’ll be getting.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 05:37 am (UTC)Because their relationship wasn't normal. Nobody should have to hide away from the world at large just to spend time with each other. Nobody should have to lie about how they spent their free time or play it off when they were asked if they were seeing someone.
This was never going to have the strongest foundation, was it? This was always going to be shaky instead of steady and eventually ... it really was going to come toppling down.
Her heart jumped into her throat when the knock came, and it took her a moment to cross to the door and open it slowly, her brows knitted together as she gazed up at Ben as though she didn't know (for the first time) what to think or say or do.
"Ben - "
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 05:45 am (UTC)His heart felt ill.
He didn’t know what to do. He felt out of control. He felt hopeless and hopeful. What was the right thing to do?
No. He knew what the right thing to do was.
“Is your roommate home? Can I come in?” Even in the dim light, he could see clearly how beautiful she was. Hopefully she wasn’t too drunk.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 06:30 am (UTC)But she managed. As sick and scared as she felt, emotionally speaking, Rey was still going to allow Ben into her personal space, even though it now felt so ... uncertain.
What had he even come over for, anyway? To - to end this in person? Or ... to reassure the both of them that if they continued, it was gonna be fine?
The not knowing was killing her.
And her frown deepened all the more even as she opened the door wider and stepped back slowly, gesturing for Ben to come inside where they would have at least some semblance of privacy.
"It's just me."
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 06:39 am (UTC)Ben walked inside and then turned around to face her. So they were alone. “I like it when you have your hair down,” he said aloud as he reached over but then he stopped himself before he could tug on the end of her ponytail.
She wasn’t his.
Ben let his arm drop back to his side before he stuffed both hands into his jean pockets. “I just wanted to apologize for what I said on the phone tonight,” he started. “I...I upset you and what I said was hurtful.” If she didn’t forgive him, well, he probably deserved it anyway.
But Ben still thought it was a good idea to wait to date once her internship was over. Except that would be months from now. Could he wait that long? What was his heart telling him?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 06:07 pm (UTC)A part of her wanted to give in to the relief she felt in simply seeing Ben Solo standing a bit awkwardly in her apartment, looking at her with that soft light in his eyes, like nothing out of the ordinary had even happened between them.
She held her breath as she watched him reach out … only to pull his hand back and keep it firmly by his side rather than actually risk making contact with her, swallowing hard as she resisted the urge to reach out and take his hand in her much smaller ones, hold on tight. "I know", she replied, her voice thick. "I like it when you play with it."
Rey stared at Ben and blinked slowly, once, twice. Had Ben really come all the way over just to apologize all over again? Or … was this the calm before the storm? The not knowing was the hardest part, the fear that he had changed his mind yet again and this was Ben coming to put an end, officially, to their relationship.
Their … workplace dalliance.
Whatever they actually were.
He wasn't hers.
If so, that was a particularly masochistic way of doing it! Ben had already apologized over the phone, so Rey wasn't sure why it was necessary for him to do it all over again and why would either one of them want to revisit the clusterfuck of that phone call? Why she hadn't just … gone to sleep instead of texting Ben, Rey would never know.
But here they were. And there was no taking back of what they'd said, only moving forward.
"I - I woke you up and blindsided you with kind of a lot, so. I'm sorry for that."
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 06:20 pm (UTC)“Rey, I...I still think it’s a good idea to put a hold on all of this,” he said. Might as well rip the bandage off, right? Get this over with? Say what they needed to say?
Ben didn’t want to end things between them, but he did think it was best if they both cooled off and just waited until their circumstances were better.
“I mean - who’s to say you wouldn’t get tired or bored of me in a month or two? I mean, you wouldn’t be the first.” He laughed and it sounded hollow.
“Listen, my mom really likes you and, I mean, you’re all she talks about when I come over for dinner...I just don’t want to jeopardize your future at Solo. If someone were to find out about us...I mean, if you get hired on after your internship, it’ll be slightly more acceptable...I think.” See. Not breaking things off, just...taking a break.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 07:42 pm (UTC)Rey didn't want snarl and snap back Ben could tell her that he'd tired of her, that he'd gotten what he wanted from her - and what man wouldn't want a much younger woman showing them attention and affection and … - and now he wanted someone more … suitable.
But she didn't give him the satisfaction of her anger. And as much as she didn't want to let him see her tears, either, but her mouth trembled and those same tears threatened to fall, and she broke eye contact in order to duck her head and try desperately to keep a reign on her wildly fluctuation emotions.
Of course he didn't want her. Her own parents hadn't wanted her. Fuck, she was almost half-expecting to walk into the apartment someday only to find that Rose had moved out and headed for greener pastures.
She didn't see the need in arguing the point when Ben seemed pretty convinced about what he thought was best. But she shook her head and softly murmured - "I wouldn't, though. I wouldn't get tired of you."
She laughed bitterly at the assertion that if she got hired on, they would have an easier time of maintaining a relationship. Rey might not have had much experience in the corporate world, but she wasn't totally naïve to the way things usually went.
"And if it's not? Then … this is it."
no subject
Date: 2020-04-20 08:43 pm (UTC)This was why he only let himself associate with people at work, but didn’t actively try to be friends with anyone even if his mom told him he should let people in. But look what happened with Rey.
She tore her eyes away from him and he realized she was on the verge of tears. Fuck.
“We can’t predict the future,” he pointed out gently.
“Listen, Rey…” He took in a breath and counted down before slowly exhaling. A part of him wanted to be convinced not to end this - however small that part was. When he was with her, he felt...genuinely wanted, not just because he was Leia Organa’s son, not just because he had money and connections through his parents. Rey was already seen as impressive to his mom. Rey didn’t need him to put in any good words or anything like that.
He wondered, then, what people have told her about him. She called him a dick because that was what people at work thought he was.
“I...this is a break, not a break up,” he insisted once more.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 12:30 am (UTC)Anyone who thought that Ben Solo was the pursuer in this relationship was dead wrong. Anyone who thought that he even had it in him to coerce an innocent intern into his bed (her bed, she had never even seen his apartment) was so ridiculously wrong that it wasn't even funny.
We can't predict the future he started, but wasn't he doing just that by calling this a 'break' and making the assumption that in the next few months they would find themselves back together again like no time had passed? That was ridiculous, too, wishful thinking to it's core.
Time would change them. That's what time did. If they found each other like this again ... it would never be the same. And he had to know that. She hated this, wished that (as Ben had already said himself) they had met under different circumstances. For once in her life, Rey had found something good and now it was slipping through her fingers.
And - she loved her internship. She loved working for his mother and feeling so accepted and appreciated in ways she had rarely felt before. But most of all, there was Ben, and being with him was what she loved most of all.
She scoffed at the insistence, and before she thought better of it, the words slipped past her lips, bitter and sharp-edged.
"A handful of blowjobs in my bedroom doesn't exactly count as a real relationship, Ben."
Immediately, she regretted the words, but once they were out, she could not take them back. But she knew that it was much more than that. The first time that he'd gently pushed into her and made her see stars, she had felt a connection that she had never experienced before. And it wasn't just sexual, either. There were all the times he spent in her bed with his feet hanging off the edge because he was too damn big for it but it didn't matter because they both felt safe all wrapped up together.
It was playing video games and ordering out and talking about anything and everything and it was missing him as soon as he left and it was feeling such delight every time he texted or called, feeling like she ...
Meant something to him.
And losing him hurt more than Rey thought she could bear.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 12:56 am (UTC)Okay, her comment hurt.
Ben knew it wasn’t just a handful of blowjobs in her bedroom. Every second he spent with her whether at work or her apartment had been some of the happiest. It was the most he had ever laughed or smiled or joked around. Even his mom had noticed his more cheery demeanor in meetings and dinners at the house.
Rey had no right to say that.
His face fell. “Right, well, if that’s what you think, I should probably go, then.” Why was a sob threatening to release itself from his chest? Why didn’t he think he could say anything else without choking up?
He turned to go.
Fuck this shit and fuck her. And fuck him for thinking he could let someone in just this once without it backfiring.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 02:42 am (UTC)But it didn't feel as satisfying as she might have wanted it to. It felt terrible. What if she had just ruined the best thing in her life because she didn't think before she spoke?
Maybe it was better that way. Maybe Ben would leave and eventually forget all about her and find someone who could be everything that he needed, someone that he didn't have to be ashamed or fearful to be seen with. And it most likely (now, anyway), wasn't going to be her.
Rey had had no right to say what she had, and the guilt she felt in having said it at all was going to eat at her forever.
Her heart ached as she watched Ben turn away from her, and for as much as she wanted to reach out for him, catch his hand, pull him back, Rey knew that she had to let him go.
It was for the best.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 02:55 am (UTC)But that was never going to happen.
Why would he want to be with someone who’d say something like that to him, anyway? He was worthy of love. And he deserved love. And Rey...what she said was not something you’d say to someone you even marginally liked.
He had said some shitty things to her tonight, but he never said anything just to make her feel shitty about herself.
His next therapy session was going to be a heavy one, he could already tell.
“For what it’s worth,” he said as he stopped with his hand on the door knob. “I wanted this to work out so bad. It was just bad timing, Rey.” Ben opened the door and stepped out, feeling like he was closer to being out of her orbit than in it.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 03:12 am (UTC)And she already knew that she would spend the rest of her life trying to atone for what she had done - even if Ben never knew it, even if they never spoke another word to each other outside of work-related issues, and that -
That was if she even had the nerve to keep her internship at Solo at all.
She only lifted her gaze to watch him go, but knew that would hurt, too, committing the moment to memory - the moment her heart shattered to watch him.
It didn't matter now, but she wanted him to know, anyway -
"I - I'm sorry, Ben", she finally managed to choke out, shaking her head, struggling to keep from pleading with him to stay so that they could work it out somehow ... something ... anything other than end it like this. "I wanted that, too."
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 03:27 am (UTC)Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:20 am (UTC)Maybe they both just needed to grow up.
For a while, before Rey had even come to Solo, he had been considering taking a short sabbatical. His mom had suggested it because his last few projects had been so consuming and mentally exhausting. Maybe he’ll finally take her up on the offer.
When Ben turned around to face Rey once more, he took in a deep breath.
“A break didn’t mean forever when I suggested it, you know,” he pointed out. “But...whatever.” Ben shook his head and turned to close her front door.
He let the door shut. He was out of her orbit.
Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:27 am (UTC)She felt so immature and stupid, so cruel when Ben hadn't deserved the vitriol. And she could apologize all she wanted, but her apologies were never going to make it any better. The words were out there, and they had done the intended damage.
Rey exhaled sharply as Ben twisted his own knife just a little deeper, too. But maybe she deserved the new pain radiating from what was left of her heart, now sure without a shadow of a doubt that it had been her gut reaction, too quick, consequences not considered that had done the deed and broken whatever tenuous string was still connecting them.
But ... whatever. Like it didn't even matter. Like it had never mattered to begin with. Like she was nothing and was worth nothing, like ...
"It didn't feel like it at the time", she murmured, but he was already gone, the door was already closing behind him, and Rey didn't even bother locking it behind him, just slid down until, with a heavy thump, she was sitting on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and sobbing against them.
All she had ever wanted was to feel as wanted as Ben had made her feel, and the moment that she had it, had him, she couldn't handle the enormity of it and she had ruined it before it could end up ruining her first.
She wanted to get up and run after him, beg for forgiveness and another chance, but --
It was too late.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:35 am (UTC)Ben stayed standing there, trying to calm himself down, trying not to burst into angry tears, trying not to turn and beg for her to take him back. Because what good would any of that do? She said it herself - it was just a handful of blowjobs. It hadn’t been anything more than that to her, apparently.
When he went inside his car, he sat there for a moment before he started to bang his fists against the steering wheel, the force of which knocked his glasses off his face. He stopped, his breathing harsh and shallow - but then he rested his head against the steering wheel and began to openly weep.
What was the point of hope when everything that he had hoped for always crashed and burned?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-21 04:42 am (UTC)It wasn't fair.
But she had made her bed and now she needed to lie in it, no matter how uncomfortable or painful.
Maybe she hadn't deserved him in the first place if she could so easily get to this place and hurt him rather than consider just ... waiting and seeing what the next few months were going to bring.
I could have loved him, she thought miserably, her throat raw from the intensity of her sobs, her vision blurry with hot tears. Maybe I already do.
And she had ruined everything.
(itsjustusnow)
Date: 2020-05-10 06:26 am (UTC)[The sensation is so intense that it steals Rey's breath, makes her shiver, gives her a few short minutes of pause while she just ... luxuriates in it, knowing that she's, in part, the cause.]
I can. Is it like this all the time? Will you tell me what you're thinking about? I want to know.
Erm, so, this is just pure filth now. Apologies? XD
Date: 2020-05-11 03:38 pm (UTC)I'm imagining what you'd look like above me, with your thighs draped either side of my waist and your hands braced against my chest. I'm imagining what your cunt would feel like when I fill it again and again and again: tight and hot and wet. Is that what you wanted to know? Do you like knowing how you dominate my fantasies?
Hahahaha, ~excellent.
Date: 2020-05-12 10:41 pm (UTC)[Okay - that is entirely unfair. It's just a series of words on a screen, and yet as she reads it over again, slowly the second time around, they steal her breath away, make her heart beat a little faster, a little harder.
What is this? And why is she having such a visceral reaction?]
You would allow me to take what I wanted from you, then? I can imagine your hands at my hips, helping me move with you, set a pace that's pleasurable for us both.
I do like knowing that it's me that you fantasize about when you're alone. I want to know every dirty little thought you've ever had about me. I want to know what my name sounds like on your lips when you come all over yourself.
[And why is she even volunteering this … ]
You'd be the first, you know. To see me like that. To touch me. To …
(birren)
Date: 2020-05-10 06:38 am (UTC)You're not so bad yourself, Senator. As if that isn't already obvious.
Oh, believe me, when we have the time, you'll get a firsthand demonstration.
(chiaro_oscuro)
Date: 2020-05-10 07:30 am (UTC)I don't need perfection, but I think it could be fun to be able to communicate with them a little. Between the both of us, we should be able to educate them as to why they shouldn't steal your fish.
You've got a life to live, Ben! And there's plenty of time to figure out just what you want to do with it. I'm glad to help you figure it out - and grateful that you want to share it with me.
I would very much like to - and I'd like it if you felt comfortable enough to hug me in return. I want to show you how happy I'll be to see you again, but I also don't want to do anything that you don't want.
I'll keep my distance from the Caretakers. Maybe they'll tolerate me a little better that way.
Nothing to do with you, huh? I'll keep that in mind - and greet my port friends as warmly as I intend upon greeting you.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-10 07:01 pm (UTC)I wouldn't mind if they had a fish or two occasionally. I just need to eat, too. Maybe we could find a way to share - but then we'd be bombarded with them once word started spreading.
Thank you for the offer. I'm grateful to have a life to live, even if I'm not sure what to do with it yet. Life's a gift, you know. The most precious thing we have.
They'll like seeing you again, I'm sure. They're friendly, even if they're also fish thieves. It's hard to be angry at them.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-12 10:27 pm (UTC)Hence the fish situation. And honestly, I don't think they would be very willing to compromise with you, Ben. You've got fish. They want fish. They're going to do whatever they can to get that fish.
You might need to try to learn how to farm a little.
Plenty of time to figure it out. And I'll be more than grateful to have the chance to help. And - to share it with you. More than I know how to say. Maybe you already know, though. Maybe you can feel it.
I look forward to seeing you all. But you, especially.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-16 06:50 am (UTC)They do like people, though, and don't seem to care where they're from. They let me pat them.
Farming's a good idea. I've been thinking of making a garden here on the island. It would add a certain something to the atmosphere, I think. And I could use a hobby here.
You're welcome to help, if you wish.
And I look forward to seeing you again, Rey.
(vaderstan)
Date: 2020-11-12 05:31 pm (UTC){What an unbelievable ass. But despite whatever annoyance she might feel about how round and round this is going (which, c'mon, she needs to accept part of the blame for that, too), she's still touched that Ben hasn't just told her that she's ridiculous (she is), that he's given her so many hints and chances, and lbr here, is goading her into acting rather than talking.
It's … sweetly antagonistic, if there is such a thing. It may be weird, but it's theirs.
Ben mentions that he'll be in his bunk and it takes every ounce of willpower in her body to keep from replying something equally as sarcastic. Because she knows that it must grate on his nerves to be so distrusted and to feel trapped within the confines of his new quarters. She's done her best to convince those in charge - some of which are her friends - that Ben isn't a danger to them, but so far, the only concession they've made is not throwing him in a makeshift brig to pay for the things he'd done as Kylo.
She's doing her best to convince them that they can trust Ben, but it's slow going.
Anyway, that's not the most pressing issue at hand. Rey takes a moment to close her eyes, close her eyes, and take a few deep breaths to center herself. And once she feels calm and confident enough, she leaves her quarters and quickly making her way to Ben's, close enough nearby that it doesn't take more than a minute at best.
One more deep breath, and then she reaches out to knock at the door, announcing her presence.
Okay. They're gonna do this.]
(solumbra)
Date: 2021-09-05 07:28 pm (UTC)How long will it take for you to get there? I want to see you
No
I need to be with you again.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-06 06:47 pm (UTC)Be with me. Now.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-06 10:04 pm (UTC)(beeping_flyboi)
Date: 2021-10-03 08:30 pm (UTC)No. Because how I experience things - food included - is not for anyone else. It's for me. And I'm allowed to enjoy what I enjoy without feeling shame for it.
No, I don't think it's weird. I think it's sweet.